So Britney Spears was supposed to show up for a deposition with baby daddy K-Fed’s lawyers but decided to call in “sick”. Uh huh. She actually claimed queasiness or some such stomach illness. Yet other reports indicated that she was out partying much later. And that surprises you why? We’re talking about Britney Effin Spears, the biggest mess in Hollyweird, who is said to run over the feet of people - including officers - goes through red lights, smokes in front of her kids, whose seatbelts she doesn’t put on, and the list goes on. She really doesn’t want her kids, does she?

You already know that Britney Spears supposedly held up a lighter, after leaving a gas station, and said to paparazzi, “I stole a lighter. I’m bad,” or something of that sort. (A photographer later paid for the lighter.) Well as The Sun points out, she recently also stole a wig from a sex shop and was accused of stealing four coats from a fashion designer during her (Britney’s) birthday celebrations.

Excellent role model. At this rate, she might just steal her kids back. Oh wait, that’s kidnapping. Of course, she’s apparently delving into blackmail, supposedly threatening to release a lesbian sex tape featuring Slut Sisters ex-friend Paris Hilton. Add to that the swearing at paparazzi, being banned from a salon and a nightclub, and making Sam Lufti disappear. On the plus side - sort of - Britney’s beating Paris in online auction sites.

How can someone so famous be so screwed up, drifting nowhere without any guidance? Paparazzi standing outside a gas station waiting for Britney Spears were treated to her shouting out that she stole a lighter.

It’s Britney, bitch. No, Britney, you are the bitch. Anyone serious about getting back partial (or full) custody of her kids doesn’t go around stealing lighters - or at least not openly announcing it. Maybe she needs to have a chat with Winona Ryder about what five-finger discounts get you. A hard lesson will do you good.

With recent fake news about Britney Spears being preggers with her third runt… I mean child… and that followed by fake news about her having a miscarriage [or maybe some of it was real?], I’m thinking California’s Child Services agency (or whatever they call it) should slap a chastity belt on the former Mouseketeer (or whatever semblance normalcy she once was) and her famestruck vajajay. (And please revoke her driver’s license, someone.)

And while they’re at it, do something to K-Fed, who’s on, what, his fourth kid. The guy barely works, yet he’s one of the most influential people under 45. Sure he is. What great role models: screw rich, disturbed starlets, get’em preggers, then try to take their money. Are men the new golddiggers?

Let’s see. Britney Spears supposedly completely ignored requests from label execs to promote her album Blackout and instead spent time picking up male waiters, running over people, running through three red lights, and lord knows what else.

And now that the album is dropping on the charts, she’s going to try to shoot a big-budget music video in two hours when it normally takes a few days. Someone, please take Britney over their knee and spank her. And while you’re at it, steal her car keys before she kills someone. Still Santa Claus will let her be with her spawn on Christmas.

No wonder Stephen King called Britney trailer trash. (Christina Aguilera said back in 2004 that Britney acts like trailer trash, but recently pulling a Britney herself, flashing her privates while exiting a car).

Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is starting to suffer on the charts. After only a month, less than 450,000 copies of the CD have been sold. It’s also dropping on the iTunes list, down to #13. Maybe if she actually promoted the album, instead of picking up male waiters, going to Vegas for liposuction, running over paparazzi and police officers and running red lights?

Did you even know Britney Spears had a brother? Well she does and Bryan Spears seems to get into trouble too. Not for flashing his privates or anything like that. In this case, he’s dragged the Spears family under the threat of a lawsuit from a real-estate broker. They were supposedly loaned a condo in Marina Del Rey in which he’s said to have spent a great deal of time. An insider says that there was considerable damage after he left. While damaging the condo is bad, at least he’s not like Britney, who’s getting sued by Luis Vuitton and sending privating investigators after K-Fed, amongst a host of other craziness. Don’t forget running over the feet of officers and paparazzi alike, going through red lights, driving with her kids not buckled up (from last year), smoking near her kids, etc. And she’s worried about the safety of her kids?

I told you so! Back a few years ago when Britney Spears was still pretending to be wholesome and a virgin, I’d claimed to friends that there was no way - she’s lying, and that she’d already had sex. Now there’s evidence that Britney first had sex at 14, long before doing it with Justin Timberlake. I’m not at all surprised. Having met a lot of people in my life that went on to be entertainers, it’s quite common for such people to be passionate in life and thus sex. (I’m sure it was a marketing ploy to portray her as a sassy virgin so that she’d be a role model for millions of young girls.)

Let’s just hope Britney’s sluttiness doesn’t rub off on Miley Cyrus (aka Hanna Montana) when Brit goes there for Thanksgiving this Thursday. (According to Miley, her father, Country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, invited Britney. It was hilarious hearing Miley say it, as if she didn’t want the “credit” for the invitation of the blonde harlot.) The harlot pretending to be a mother will first have Thanksgiving with her kids on Wednesday.

But the US magazine article also reveals a darker secret: that her paternal grandmother committed suicide at only 31. As tragic as that is, that doesn’t explain why Lynne Spears pushed her daughter so much and reputedly turned her into such a mess.

Has anyone else had enough of Britney Spears? Please, someone, take her across your knee and spank that pantyless bottom. It’s always something with her -missing court-ordered random drug tests, testing positive for drugs, running over and injuring papparazzi trying to help her, getting liposuction in Las Vegas, teaching Heidi Klum mothering tips (you heard me), driving through red lights with her kids in the car (and the court-appointed monitor, too). Is it any surprise that non-talent ex-husband Kevin Federline wants another emergency court hearing?

Britney Spears, who has supposedly recently missed 8 of 14 court-ordered random drug tests (apparently due to lack of a reliable phone number), tested positive for drugs. Says her handlers, they’re prescription drugs.

Her mother Lynne blames herself for her daughter’s messed up life. Damn straight. Lynne Spears pushed and pushed and pushed her daughter into stardom, the way I recall it a few years back. I’ve known a few people who would probably have become stars, if not for their overbearing mothers. Let’s just hope someone saves Brit before she does something drastic and irreversible.